if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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