goodnight i made you a song goodbye
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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