Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
