just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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