Where are you?
In a non slutty way
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
