I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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