I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
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there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
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Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Let's get the cat blown out
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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