I can text with my tongue
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
