Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
