I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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