she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
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I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
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I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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