he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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