life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
