wanna go halves on a baby?
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
