my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I am full of burrito and curiosity
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
