i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
