my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
