Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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