He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
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I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
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Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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