When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
