Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
