i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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