I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
