apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
