Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
