Michael Bay diarrhea
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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