I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
