There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
