obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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