Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
