I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
