got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
