my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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