ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
