Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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