I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
