Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
