mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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