I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
