Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
