I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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