Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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