There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
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We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
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My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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