there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
