i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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