it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
