How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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