I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
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I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
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When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
If I die, sorry about rent.
My life is pants optional.
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