I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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