Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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