DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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