I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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