I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
