I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
